I read it on Facebook....

You know those people who talk about what they read on Facebook like it's some sort of place to find valid information? 

Yeah, I'm one of them. 

I started an account when it was used as a means of reconnecting with old friends or sharing pictures with family you just can't see often enough. It was great... took away some of the isolation of being a new mom without a village. 

Then it started to change. The kids started to drift away to Instagram and Snapchat and I don't even know because I'm not cool. I guess I was never "cool" and that's okay. They drifted away when the adults really took to Facebook. Everyone is so busy, even the people with a village don't get enough time to sit around a fire and chit chat. It was like parents coming home early from a vacation to find a house full of kids. The younger generation scattered to find something else to make their own. They come around now and then but more like stopping in to do laundry. Adults connected and made friends who are strangers, pen pals without the time waiting for the mail.

From where I sit an overwhelming abundance of people became reporters. It's GREAT! On a smaller level, it helps each of us get to know each other better because we get a window into things about which our friends care. On a bigger level, there are so many movements happening. There are majors in all aspects of life, with experts freely sharing knowledge. There are prayers and light and love flowing.

There are independent journalists who are able to build followings. There are house bound sick people able to discuss treatments or just be supported. There are people advertising their small businesses. There are people launching social movements from their homes. There are people helping people in so many ways, even if for nothing more than to pop in and say "Happy Birthday" or "I'm sorry that happened to you". We can get instant information if you want to know a recipe or help with a child care issue.

Boy oh boy have I read it on Facebook. I have learned more than I did in 17 years of school. I have one friend who has had a keen interest in economics his whole life. Well, he posts articles from independent sources and I read the ones that catch my eye. I have learned more from him than I ever could have without that "friending". We spent four years in high school together and I had no idea how interesting he is. His perspective is full of wisdom in things I had not a clue. I have some friends whose lives have taken them in the direction of travel. Well, I have seen things I never would have gotten to see from the perspective of someone I know. There are friends who love to cook and I have picked up some ideas and recipes. There are friends with very different political opinions than I have. Well, I have learned their perspectives. I am fine with agreeing to disagree but I do believe we should all try to understand each other. I have friends who are advocates for animals who have showed me a different kind of parenting. I have a friend from long ago who lives across the world. I get a view into her country. I have a few other friends from different countries and learn about life in those places. I have a ton of friends who are interested in health or are sick and what I have learned from them is immeasurable. I have seen countless stories of vaccine injured children, learning that we didn't hear those parents when we should have. I have learned a good bit of immunology. I have learned about post sepsis and more science than I could have had I majored in it. I have learned where to look for research. I have learned that things are not as they appear. I have learned that I lived in a naive bubble for many years. I have learned about so many different kinds of health practitioners, ones who don't hand out meds. I have read about homeschooling successes. I have read about naturally cured successes. I have read metaphysical and philosophical and historical information. I have one friend with a heart of gold who no longer lives close. I have learned how this world hurts her. I have a Canadian friend who has taught me more about the world than I would like to know some days, but I appreciate the brutal honestly and perspective of someone who is done raising her children. I learned about homebirth from a Mom I met through mold groups. I have learned about nutrition. I found a love of essential oils shared from a friend. I have learned about the human spirit. I have learned of hurts and joys I never would have seen without Facebook.  

Truth be told many of my friends are strangers. Some of these strangers have been better friends to me than my friends have been at times. I have learned that family, people from your "tribe", don't always find each other in their neighborhoods. There are a few that just feel like I have known them forever. I see their children and grandchildren and learn what's ahead or smile at what is behind.  

My husband doesn't get Facebook. He's just not that guy to do this. In our business he has the same kind of interactions because we have a lot of customers. I'm a reader more than verbally social. Facebook works for me. It doesn't work for him and that is okay.  

So yeahhhh, I did read it on Facebook. Anyone who uses that as an insult is either a troll or a person who does not see the potential and value of people posting articles from independent sources. No longer do we have to be a pawn in the emotional ping pong reports on television. No longer is the shameful drivel in mainstream media the only thing we can access. Once you have friends with similar interests, the collection of information is enormous. It's up to us to look at it, to look at our friend's different perspectives and wisdom, to look behind the media's curtain to get to truth, to empathize with friends even if we do not agree with their opinion, to see stranger's sides of the story. 

Donny Miller said, "In the age of information, ignorance is a choice." Well so is close-minded, egoistic behavior. We don't need to Internet bully people to discuss something. That's just silly. If you are going to lose friends, let it be because you have drifted apart just like happens in "real life", not because you wrote something hurtful. Discussions are great, even heated ones, just use words wisely. Virtual villages are forming. Cross lines and see each other. I did read it on Facebook and the people I know who did the same are some of the wisest and most well-rounded people I know. Think about it this way.... I finished college in 1995. Would anyone have said back then "Well you just read that at the library" like it was an insult? When we choose to not only read things that support our opinion, Facebook and the Internet are libraries. 

How we use it is up to us. Some just want social interaction with people they can't regularly see and there isn't anything wrong with that. Some of us want kindred spirits with whom to discuss and share our hearts. Nothing wrong with that either. Some of us want to learn. Nothing wrong with that. Just know that there are movements all over Facebook and you can find one that aligns with what you would really like to see different in the world. Many of these are leading from the heart space and will find a way to not just be the change, but make the change. Change starts with seeds. I read about a lot of seeds on Facebook. Some have already grown into trees. 

Funny thing is I think social media was gifted to us to distract us and divide us and there is plenty of that out there, but through the fog, I see the light workers and peace warriors and world changers gathering together for the greater good. I think that was unexpected from those who wish to control the information as they are paying people to come in to try to divide us again. Seems the human spirit, our souls were underestimated. It appears that even the introverted still have a need to be connected to the Universe and a higher power. The fog is lifting as we slice through it...  

Humph. I read it on Facebook. Yes I did. Then I researched some more and learned something. I even changed my mind about a few things. Crazy right?      

Clean Up

Clean up, clean up, EVERYbody clean up… songs from preschool that stick in my head.

You know that moment when you find out someone is coming over and you totally panic because keeping up with a house with children is, as my sister says, like shoveling snow in a blizzard? For those of you that have help, good for you! For those of you who somehow manage to keep up, good for you! I mean that because I don’t. I can’t. What I learned quickly is I could make myself INSANE or accept that motherhood is dirty. It just is and that is okay. I aim for sanitary and content from all family members, for everyone to be reasonably happy with their space.

Or there’s that moment you walk into someone else’s house and see that their house is sanitary but a bit or a lot disheveled like your own. Do you walk in and point out what’s wrong or do you walk in and say something to make them feel better about the mess when you notice they start to apologize for it? Most of the people I know would walk in and say something to make them feel better, maybe even admitting they had not cleaned X in months or even a year. “Don’t worry about it.”

My point is not about how clean your house is or is not. I just want people to give the same courtesy when discussing current events. Why is it that people are so skilled at pointing out flaws in everyone else’s opinion without looking within their own once in awhile? I’m not perfect. I’ve done that at times, but because I recognized I have done that, now I try VERY hard to be open minded to see both sides, to empathize. I see so many people when discussing issues just point fingers, never owning that their opinion’s house might need a lil dusting. It doesn’t make any sense to me. If you wouldn’t walk in to a friend’s house and tell them it looked like shite, then why would you call out everything that is wrong with their opinion and beliefs and act like your opinion and beliefs are just perfect… that the people you believe in have done no wrong, that only one side of an issue is riddled with problems. Why is it SO hard to admit that your team makes mistakes? We all have free choice to believe in whom and what we choose, but we as a culture need more empathy to understand each other. We lift each other up. That’s how change happens.   

It’s okay to agree to disagree, but be genuine in listening. Otherwise we’re just stuck chanting “You suck”. “No YOU suck.” “You suck more!” Last time I checked no problems got solved that way. We must identify flaws on our side of the fence to find middle ground. I dunno. I’m so over team colors and all that has come with the constant divisive competitive culture. This country trains our children early about win or lose. It’s pushed in their face all around them. The media feeds it and it’s working. People care more about the win than what happened to get there. My opinion… there is no win or lose unless we are all thriving. Both sides of any issue should see their own dirt. Then, THEN, we can all work on the clean up together.

Whatever side of anything you stand on, try something. Try imagining standing on the other side of an issue and looking in the window towards your side. See what needs cleaned. Feel how the other side feels. We need to see each other again. Maybe, jusssst maybe, some day you will change your mind about something and have to admit you were wrong. That’s okay too. Who of us has never believed in something that turned out to be wrong? I do not call them mistakes. I call them lessons, things we needed to learn along our way. Thing is if we close our minds so tightly so nothing new gets in, we may never learn that lesson. These kind of things repeat in our lives, get stored in our DNA and carry on longer than our eyes can see.

Since I fell down with dis-ease, I had to open my mind up to begin this journey of healing. I thought I WAS open minded, but what I found was there was a lot of dust in my opinions that needed cleaned up with truth. I was wrong about some things. I trusted some who never earned my trust. I thought some were friends who never were. I was dis-eased with programming I didn’t know was there. It happened so quietly. I also found people I needed. I continue to find myself. I continue to find blessings. I continue to learn from people I didn’t see before. My house is still dusty and needs some cleaning, but I see you. I hope you see me too. I hope you see others who you are not truly seeing after you read this. Change starts within us and then we clean up this world together.      

Medical Freedom

All of the speeches given at the 2016 Health Freedom rally in California were inspiring and are worth watching. David Wolfe’s really got me thinking about what has happened in the United States.

While I think it’s shameful how many sick people fall into bankruptcy or hopelessness or die because they can’t get the treatment needed, I am not a fan of the ACA. Sickness took a big hit on my family’s finances and we have to piece together little by little our health when we are able. Month by month we all are recovering but many ill people's, especially Lymies, hands are completely tied. I will not raise my arm for universal healthcare. To me in order to have that, FIRST healthcare that is inclusive of alternative treatment must be part of that system.

What the ACA did in my world is push small businesses into one choice where it is impossible for most of us to offer insurance, which at one time we did. Our premium rose 30% one year and 50% another year reaching $1,800 a month. So in 2015 due to our financial woes, we dropped it. Because growing up my brother was sick, I had been brought up the value of having health insurance. From the first time it was offered, I jumped on it. When we lost it, first I felt worried to not have that life boat. The longer we are without it, the more safe I feel not having it. See something did happen prior to dropping it. I got sick. Our children’s health was backsliding from their well visits and Lyme and mold and insurance didn’t cover anything I needed to restore our health, outside of blood work. No doctor I saw within that insurance helped me or my children. Absolutely insurance has its place for people having babies and for people who need to see regular doctors. I get that. Hospital expenses can easily reach into hundreds of thousands of dollars. Maybe one day we’ll get some kind of major medical but for now we need that money for supplements.   

The bigger picture to me is how insurance has trained people to think that health is found within our system. I can’t count how many times people have asked me for advice. I’ve offered some kinds of practitioners I have found helpful and the conversation ends with “My insurance doesn’t cover that.” Off they go to continue swimming around in the pharmaceutical funded healthcare system, never finding answers. Symptom management is found there, but it is not always safe. Sometimes all we need are the proper supplements but the AMA-trained don’t know how to look. I mean every alternative practitioner I have met sells supplements. Does your doctor sell any? Nope, but they can give you a sample of something from a pharm company. A few have listened to what I have to say and are on their way to recovering. I am deeply humbled that they respected me enough to hear me.

It’s no secret doctors are limited in ordering tests. Insurance companies now dictate which are covered. Pharmaceutical companies dictate what medicine should be used to manage symptoms. Meanwhile consumers constantly fight for coverage they thought they had. We have to be informed to ask for safer drugs if the pill of the year has concerning side effects. Doctors and nurses aren’t even allowed to seek answers for patients between the orders they take from those two driving forces, topped with patients not wanting to or not being able to afford to pay out of pocket. The time alone most practitioners have for patients has their hands tied. I was FLOORED at my first appointment with my functional doctor because of how much time he spent with me and how he read my blood work as a whole, not just looking down that piece of paper for flags. It was the first time in my life I actually felt like a doctor REALLY cared about me. Even practitioners like him have their hands tied because research about treating the whole body has been suppressed. However, a patient can get A LOT further with the kind of holistic view people like him learned.

If you ask a doctor what can you do nutritionally to support healing, very few of them have advice. Some will even say “nothing” which is just silly. Every condition is affected by what we eat. Honestly, I feel empathy for the healers who chose to go the med school route without adding on other means of healing. They meant to do a service to people. I believe most of them had good intentions and I believe some are out there trying but it’s like trying to fix a car’s engine with a body shop’s tool box. Then there are those who have gotten wrapped up in the ego of having that degree and can’t see outside of the books that trained them. The science of health is an ongoing education.  

We have an extension on our taxes and I am not yet sure if we have to pay the fine for not having health insurance. What a ridiculous tax that is. On one hand you are fining people who can’t afford the insurance, no matter how much the cost is reduced. On the other hand you have people who don’t want to participate in this health care system being fined for choosing natural means to stay healthy or treat their illnesses as they arise. If someone has great health through herbal medicine or Ayurvedic medicine or traditional Chinese medicine why should they be financially punished for that choice? There are thousands of years of practice behind these ways. It’s almost like fining people who can afford to send their children to private school for not going to public school. They are already paying out of pocket for that choice.

I’m not suggesting everyone go out and drop their health insurance, but I am suggesting that people stop using the marketing slogan “It’s not covered by my insurance.” That thing, whatever it is, outside of your insurance may be just what you need, and can you put a price on your life? My personal joke is if the first few pages of Google, or Snopes for all that matters, says something is quackery, then that is a sign to look into the real life applications and read from people who healed with that method and dig further into the research. Of the numerous AMA doctors I saw before I found my way out of the system, only one gave me a page about foods that would help. That was followed by a comment of “We don’t really know what causes it.” This industry loves to toss around the word science when what it actually practices is not often scientific in regard to the treatment of a body. As Del Bigtree said,with such resonating force, at that same rally, "Science is NEVER settled." If a specialist doesn’t know what causes it, then following their advice is an act of faith and when it comes to faith, we are entitled to freedom. David Wolfe presented this quote...

“Unless we put medical freedom into the Constitution, the time will come

when medicine will organize into an undercover dictatorship to restrict

the art of healing to one class of Men and deny equal privileges to

others; the Constitution of the Republic should make a Special

privilege for medical freedoms as well as religious freedom.” 

Benjamin Rush, signer of the Declaration of Independence

  

Hero Worship

I’ve written some other posts but kept them private, for now at least. A lot has happened since the IPhone release.

So I went to a store late the other night and bought M. a little shirt for her birthday. I always remove hangers for the cashier. As I did so it flipped out of my hand and I said something like sheesh, I’m sorry. I’m really glad that didn’t hit you. She then told me a customer hit her with a shopping cart and didn’t apologize. I was like seriously? She told me how she’s had to develop a thicker skin working there and was brought to tears by how she was treated on some days. I told her I understood because I work in foodservice. She said something like wow, you’re strong. I worked in food for awhile and went home crying EVERY night. “In retail, people think they are better than you. In food they know they are.” Pause and think about what that means as humans. I have a post I need to clean up about how ridiculous it is how human fuel providers are treated but that is for another time. 

Her comment circled back around from a different perspective.  Food service workers do face a lot of abuse from customers. We are lucky in our establishment as we have largely attracted kind souls. However we have not been immune to people who take out their bad days on us.

Today’s thought on this topic is hero worship. There is nothing people do that is more important than with what fuel we put in our bodies. You choose to either fuel yourself with food that drags you down or food that empowers your body. Yet this profession's staff are treated like servants.

Meanwhile what I see from my doorway are people who worship white coat wearing humans as Gods and think that health comes from the doctor’s office. I mean surely they MUST be better than us right? Since our country places value with dollars, they just must be smarter than we are. Surely they must never be wrong because they spend countless hours and enormous dollars learning about the human body…. or do they? Nutrition is not taught in med school. That’s pretty critical in knowing how the human body functions. Knowledge of minerals is also very important. They don’t learn that. Immunology... nope. A couple examples... An ER doctor misdiagnosed a pain I had. He wasn’t even close with the body part involved. You know who pegged it? An acupuncturist. You know what helped? Restoring minerals, silica and acupuncture.

My first memory of a doctor was having a rash on the inside of my legs cauterized. The other day I described it as torture. I don’t hold that against my Mum. She did what the doctor told her to do, and she believed he was doing what was needed. I remember being a little girl lying on that uncomfortable table with my legs in the air while this man burned and scarred the inside of my legs. I remember the sticker they gave me when he was done like that was some kind of comfort. I remember those giant tears welling up in my eyes. I remember my Mum’s face looking troubled to see me in pain and scared. I remember her love as she put her arm around me as we left. I mean it did get rid of those painful bumps. Stop… think about that. Does this sound like HEALTHcare? My issues have always presented through my skin. A couple weeks ago I was talking to this lovely homeopath, just because she is a bright light in my facebook feed. Coincidentally the rash, which I have come to know is viral, has flared. See most of our illnesses circle back to viral load. I didn’t even have to spend six figures and years upon years of my life learning that. I asked her if there was a cream or something to help with the pain. She told me to keep in mind that when we see rashes, we need to be thinking about the blood. DING DING DING!!!!

Why am I telling you this? When I was a child and endured several of those appointments, there was no course of treatment that had anything to do with me having a virus or even looking for a virus. That pattern repeated several times in my life. My skin things were treated from the outside and no doctor EVER did anything to address viral or fungal issues. SO MUCH MONEY down the drain for mistreatment. No doctor told me that my liver and kidneys were in need of a detox. This is basic freakin information. Just as a fever is a sign of our immune system fighting against something so are rashes, eczema, psoriasis, acne. They are all messages about what is going on inside of us. Treating a rash and not the cause is like putting duct tape over a nail in your tire. Eventually the tire is going to need repaired properly. Most  of us wait for the blowout to happen. Same with our body. The doctor isn’t hearing those warning signs. You are. Respond to them. Learn about nutrition. Learn about supportive herbs. Learn that health is found outside our healthcare system. There are a few things they do well, but sickness doesn’t happen to be one of them.

I have worse stories about doctors maybe for another time. Circling back… why do we worship them and treat people who provide fuel for your body like second class citizens? There is no question left in my mind that our healthcare system has become a religious institution. I am not the first to go public with that thought. We have been trained into thinking our health answers come from them when what they are taught is how to medicate symptoms. They are never taught to look for the roots. What happens when you trim poison ivy? It comes back right? The only way to get rid of poison ivy is to pull it up from the roots. Well the only way to be healthy is to dig for the roots to your issues. Surgery and medicine may help for a little while, but whatever poison, which will be a combination of emotional and physical wounds, is inside and will pop back up again. Thing is our healthcare system is the third leading cause of death in our country. Over 700 people EVERY DAY will die at their hands. The top two causes are heart disease and cancer. Well if our almighty doctors knew jack about nutrition to advise us on health, those first numbers would not be so high. If cancer and heart disease were treated with nutrition and more natural means, not as many people would lose their lives. So in my mind, our health care system is the SECOND leading cause of death in our country. The first, in my humble opinion, are the carcinogens we are exposed to regularly which are aiding in stripping our immunity, like rust in a machine. Corporations are not held to health standards and that is something that must change if we want to live.

The way people say “My doctor said” sounds like gospel. You are responsible for your body. Look at them as coaches, not Gods. Until our healthcare and its educational system are not run by pharmaceutical companies which started in the early 1900s, it is wise to seek wisdom from practitioners your insurance will not cover when taking actions for your health. Functional doctors have FAR more wisdom than your average white coat. Nutritionists are really helpful. There are lots of different kinds of practitioners who are of real value. I am not saying all doctors are bad people; however those trained by the for-profit system simply do not have a broad understanding of the roots of illness so they are limited by their training. 

Annnnd the next time you find yourself impatient because you waited too long to eat, swallow your rage and be kind to that person who is providing or selling you your fuel for the day. Thank them. Bless your food. Reiki your food if you have that skill. 

I cannot for the life of me understand how we have been so indoctrinated into thinking an industry that kills over 250,000 AMERICANS EVERY YEAR can be trusted wholeheartedly, yet some will verbally rip us to shreds if we forget the lettuce on a sandwich. Hero worship because we have been TRAINED to over-value degrees and bank accounts and undervalue common sense and soul purpose.     

Eve Isn't the Only One

Warning folks. They ain't all gonna be warm and fuzzy. 

"Throughout human history, we have been dependent on machines to survive. 

Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony." Morpheus

Now I understand why my Mum says she missed the 60's because she was too busy raising children. She had five spanning 1961 to 1972. While I am still at the genesis of motherhood, I get it. With a new baby in town, I have been watching a bit of news in the wee hours of the morning before our sons awake and Nick Jr. becomes our correspondent. Often the news I learn is only gained from headlines crossing my screen as I move to articles on parenting or health or while perusing facebook, the fun time-eater.

This morning at 4AM, the news covered Scotland and the IPhone 6 release before I drifted off, just after our baby did. It is 1:15PM. I am struck by the absurdity of it all, everything, just all of it. When I feel like this, my mind connects the dots until an image surfaces to help me justify my thoughts.

Here you go. Maybe my thought isn't original. There's probably a radical Christian preacher out there somewhere whose face turned red from raising his voice to the masses today. Perhaps there is a thoughtful Christian young person on youtube with a spoken word piece. I have not seen anyone make the connection I did. I am Presbyterian though I do not attend church often and practice more by living than listening. This just struck me funny today, not funny haha, but funny WTF?!?!

Thousands of people lined up today to get the NEW IPhone6. They contemplated which one to get and made pros and cons lists probably using some app from the Apple store. Hey if you're living in a bubble (which I am but still caught this), here's a link.

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-09-18/apple-s-new-big-screen-iphones-draw-long-lines-at-stores.html

I hesitate writing this one because I know my opinion is not the popular one, but I never was the popular one. Fuck it. Deep breath. Go! We are lining up for phones... for phones people! What the fuck is wrong with us? There are people who line up for food, and I don't mean waiting in line at Wegmans. Today I also saw that six Iranians were arrested for dancing to "Happy". Check out their fate.

http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-09-19/iranian-happy-singers-get-suspended-sentence/5754694

Today I saw an ISIS propaganda video with a British journalist who may never see his family again. I won't go on and on about all the happenings in the world that even my child-raising, news-sheltered self sees. These few headlines particularly caught my eye, and there is a tad more. Hundreds of Colombian girls are getting sick just after receiving the Gardasil vaccine. Speaking of girls, what happened to "SAVE OUR GIRLS!"

I'm sorry, not really. I'm pissed that we can flash mob any event anywhere but can't get our shit together to start making a difference. It seems like anytime we stand up for something as a mass, we are tearing shit down - hello Ferguson. Thanks for ruining lives of small business owners like me because you are pissed off about racism. Surely there is a way you could have made a positive difference. Instead you hurt your neighbors and your neighborhood and likely created more racists when they saw what you did to your own town because you scared them. But I agree with you, racism is still alive and well and I can't stand it. It's time to do a better job lifting each other up. Damn, we sure are good at lining up to buy MORE, always MORE. Why can't we line up to DO more, DO more good?

It's not just Americans who stood the line for a phone. Personally I am not an Apple person. You know why? Because everyone else is. I like to feel I am making my own choice and when I make the same one everyone else does is just feels like I'm being a Sheeple. I was not raised to be a Sheeple. Also most techie people (not all, but most I have met) do not like Apple. Lord knows I barely make use of the zillion features on my Samsung Galaxy (I don't know what number it is - sorry). You know it's the next great thing or some shit like that. I do prefer to buy the technology that people who do this shit for a living think is better. You're an Apple person? I don't really care nor am I impressed, but I hope you didn't wait in line. I do know there are just some people who are Mac/Apple people. I do know people who find their platform to be a better fit. This is really not directed at you.

I am impressed by the marketing genius that Apple is. Their commercials really make you believe that having their products will make you cooler (well I guess it does), will make you happy (notsomuch), will make you dance on the sidewalk as you make your way to work (never saw it personally). To date, Apple deserves the "Marketing Campaign of the Century Award". They have convinced us that it is not shameful and bizarre to wait in line for hours for a Goddamn phone! FUCK! That is NOT normal people! That is just not fucking right.

If everyone who was in line this morning got together to protest Monsanto, maybe, just maybe our food would not have additives that are not safe. Maybe we could put a stop to Frankenfood and demand that Monsanto scientists and engineers figure out how to produce more food for the world without compromising people's immune systems. That one bugs me personally, but there are hundreds of issues which could use some masses and some leaders to get us there. Hey, here's one since we are all a little techie. Let's march our asses down to Facebook headquarters and demand they stop violating our privacy while forcing us to use Messenger. Hey Facebook, we like your shit! Can you stop harvesting things that are none of your damn business?

Fuck it. Stand in line, drink your Starbucks, don't forget (like you would) to take a selfie of you proudly waiting (did you take off work for this?!?), pay for your phone with plastic, take another selfie with it, then bitch about how long the updates take, whip it out everywhere you go while only hearing every third word your companion (friend, boss, cashier, server, whomever) says, and tell everyone how fucking amazing it is. Maybe iOS 8 can cure cancer. I hope the bugs are small. I hope it makes you happy. I know it makes you cool. I guess we'll see you in line on Black Friday waiting for the curved television. If not then, we'll catch you in the headlines next year or two when the IPhone 7 is released.

Meanwhile, while "Everything is Awesome" in your world, I'll probably still be asking forgiveness for F bombing; and I'm sure I'll still be trying to find peace in a world that has lost its collective mind.

All I'm sayin' is Eve isn't the only one who ate that apple.

Guardian

We went to our first baseball game last night as L. has been wanting. Thankfully a friend gave us the tickets and we even found free parking. Great relief to have a night out that didn't make me resentful of our woes. There were several highlights: My sister holding her niece as she focused on something invisible in the sky. She voiced that perhaps Robert came to see the Roberto Clemente presentation. Watching L. let loose a little and stomp his feet and even almost dance brings a wistful smile to me as I recall that mind's eye snapshot. Seeing a couple friends from Howard County, people who treat us as family whenever we see them was great. Watching children, whom I don't know, cheer for their team and exude joy was cool. While I wanted him to shush, I still appreciated the adult who bantered to the players though they could not hear him. I imagined him as a child listening to his own father at Memorial Stadium, "swingbatterbatter". Seeing our oldest on the shoulders of my husband with our second along their sides was uplifting as we have too few family outings. The time we have gives me peace as it makes me feel normal for those fleeting minutes. I struggle in those seconds to forget our reality.  

Truth is for me the night was beyond overwhelming. There are symptoms of illness which remain. At times I have random pains. My tolerance has grown but my arm throbbed in a pulse. I tolerated it as I held our baby in a carrier and put my mommy mask on to let L. enjoy this night. I get disoriented and anxious in unfamiliar places and crowds. I'm not talking about that normal anxiety which many people feel. I'm talking about something that comes with the poison inside of me. It mutates normal feelings, twisting and magnifying them to a place that rationally I know is not real. I breathe to exhale the discomfort from my soul but the modified emotions are intense. My logical nature often loses to their toxic force.  

I have much to say about being sick and am contemplating how to tell my story when part of its unfolding affected my mind, when putting thoughts together frustrates me to a level that does not make sense. My calculating mind has always been able to process. The fog has not yet sufficiently risen over the bridge. Each day I nurture the breeze to whirl away the haze which hides my clarity.

Both our sons have risen to be my protectors, each finding soulful gifts. This story about the baseball game is not about our seven year old finding a compromise with his introverted nature and the big wide world. This is a tale of how my heart exploded with honor as I watched, almost from outside of myself, N. show his love towards me. 

My darling second son has long batting dark eyelashes that will touch some girl's heart one day. He clung to me almost continuously for his first eight weeks, and shares my genetic inability to clear mold toxins. When I learned this, the intensity of his newborn need for me made sense. Infants are driven by instincts and his knew there was danger. I worry for his future. I will research until I take my last breath so that he can hold onto his health. His predisposition to stereotypical male behavior has taught me something about nature versus nurture and love. He only says "I love you" to me - well, until our baby girl arrived. I think it took her about a week to steal his heart. Otherwise he will punch people for whom he cares and wait for their reaction. Also, his first reaction to protecting his space is physical not verbal. I am amused by that insight as he is so much more verbal than our first. I am able to see how his jabs differ in caring and in fending off.  

Though I had the worst symptoms during N.'s block of severe selfish toddler behavior, my little fellow was the only person who never made me feel guilty for being ill. He accepted the difference in me in stride. He did not like when I cried and would tell me to stop my "whining" but it was in such a matter of fact way that I was pretty sure he just didn't like the weeping competing with his television show. His continued need for me felt more like his way of making me feel safe than a ploy for attention. 

We had a thing... 
N., "Hey mAWWWWWWmmmeeeeeeee. I wUUUUUUUUvvv you." 
Me in reply, "Hey N.!" 
N., "I know what you are going to say. You are going to say that you love me too." 
Me with a smirk or laugh at the repetition of this game, "Yep, N. I love you too." 
N., "I knew you were going to say dat." 

No matter what type of day I had, he always showed me love and friendship. He didn't have fear in his eyes about my behavior or lack of energy. Sometimes I noticed my oldest did. While he has a strong attachment to me, he is a pretty independent kid and makes due playing by himself. Honestly, like me and Mark, some days he prefers it that way. Alone he can complete the missions he creates in his mind. 

Back to last night. N. is not much of a hand holder but there are situations that we reign in his independence and grab his hand. I just remembered his first sentence, "I do it", ever so ready to do things all by himself. L. and Daddy have taken the lead as we leave the stadium. I have baby M. in the Bjorn and carry a bag of bottles on my shoulder. My arm is pulsing in inflammation. I ignore it as it's time to be mama bear and help deliver our children home safely. The energy of the night time city is new for the children. Daddy and L. get too far ahead. N. says, "C'mon Mommy!" as he turns his stroll into a forward scurry using the momentum with a determined purpose. He is pulling me and baby to move more quickly, to catch up. When we walk as five again, I look at him and see how much he has changed the past year. 

While he still expects and wants me to take care of so many of his needs, he has become my guardian. We fall behind again. He pushes ahead and almost lets go but grabs my hand tighter to help me catch up. My fingers are twice the length of his, but my hand feels small in his somehow. N., "I don't want this place to lose you. Cause this place is vERRRRRy big." I look down at him again. I imagined the day I will look up at him, the day when I need help and he is going to be there for me. This child just took on the role of a man. Guardian. 

As I type this, he just said "I love you." Through the side of his eyes, he looks at me and points to me and the baby as he says "I was saying that to you and M." Then he pats her on her sleeping head and says "Good baby". I will keep reading and learning in the hopes of gifting him his health as he ages. I whisperingly know that he is prone to an illness which will pickpocket his wellness without him knowing, like it did to me. We are a growing silent epidemic on the horizon. We are invisible, misunderstood, condescendingly scoffed at and not believed. We are lost in this country's medical world. What I realized last night is I am protecting the boy, who, with a manly sized wisdom, is already protecting me and guarding his little sister with his soul. He has a strong supporter in our battle, his big brother whose heart has exponentially grown with his thoughtfulness to me in my illness. But L. is moving to a place in life where he is not so much dragging me to safety, but looking over his shoulder from time to time to make sure I am still there.

One day, one today, N. will read these words and I hope they are enough for him to know that he was my best friend when I was the worst. He approached it all so matter of factly and with such acceptance that he was the only person who made me feel whole when I was so broken. Others came around, but he never left my side. It seems strange that a child who spanned the ages of 3 and 4 would be the one to be there for me like that. In contemplating this, I just now realized that because this illness does not make sense to anyone except those who study it and those who have it, an adult never could have been there for me like that. Mycotoxicosis, mine from tricothecene, seems absurd, seems too paranoid, seems too far out there for many to grasp. I am not allergic to mold - I've had that test. When you suffer from this and know that it is being poisoned from a toxin in our environment, not an allergic reaction; when you walk into a place and immediately begin to itch and break out in a rash as what's left of your immune system attempts to fight; when you've had people whom you consider the closest look at you like you need a psychiatrist - this is when I realized that my darling second son would be the most logical person to have been my best friend. Without intentionally doing so, that relationship encouraged his primal, protective nature until this almost 5 year old of mine guards me in a city which he does not know, at a time of night he rarely sees. 

There is a book we read together when he had insomnia. I would read a page and then he would recite a page. The last is me saying "Is it the end" and him saying "or just the beginning." After our first baseball game, I know this is the beginning of him being there for me as I age. This illness eats memories, but I hope by writing this that the snapshot of him pulling us forward is framed in my mind's gallery.           

Letter to My First Grader About What He Wore

L-
Today you started first grade. I was so happy and proud of you as you walked across the sidewalk. No tears shed from any of us. You didn't look over your shoulder, you didn't cling to me for a hug. I have no picture of what your eyes looked like as you went off to face the beginning of a new day in your life. My mind sees you walking away. No, you weren't doing that at all. You were walking towards something. 

But then again, you don't know what is about to happen so why would you look back? You don't know that this blink which began today is not mine to own but yours. You don't know that 36 years from now you may be telling me, as I just told my own mother this week, about something you despised, something which will bring me guilt decades after the fact. I have no grudge against the thing that I did not like and hopefully neither will you. Still I will feel like I did something wrong just as my Mum felt when I told her that I didn't like riding the bus. All you know is that, well I don't know what you know or thought when I woke you for school. I'd like to think you know there are big things to learn ahead, that these educators are the keys to something new. Perhaps you just know that you are ready for something different.

Last night I washed the shirt you wanted and Daddy set out a proposed outfit after you were asleep. When you awoke, you quickly put on those clothes but that is not what you really wore to school. You didn't wear excitement. You didn't wear anxiety or fear. You wore more of a "this is what I do today" attitude. You did wear readiness for what was next, not lingering in the past. You wore today but not yesterday. 

I wore pride because you wore today. As cautious as you can be, you wore comfort to your first day in a brand new school. I don't remember looking into your eyes because we did not make that contact. I remember looking into the principal's eyes. He paced on the curb observing and helping welcome all of you. I was excited for him and the teachers and administrators and workers because they know what starts today. They don't know what today will bring, but they know it is the beginning of a new day, a new chance to educate, to enlighten, to hopefully inspire and encourage young minds. They all wore smiles and new beginnings at this brand new school. They wore hope for the world tomorrow because of what they will do today. But you my son, my sun, you simply wore today.

Your Dad and I smiled as we drove off, not because we were happy to leave these lazy days of summer, but because we liked what you chose to wear to school. We have so much more to learn from you and you from us of course. Together we drove you to school because we are learning little by little that these moments in your life, your brother's life and your sister's life are what has to supersede yesterday and tomorrow. After a year filled with sorrow, we are learning that the present is far more important to appreciate, and perhaps we were missing too much by wearing yesterday and tomorrow. We did not drive you to hover. We drove you to say thank you for being the sun we so needed to warm us during our struggles.

I have to admit that I cried about an hour after Daddy dropped me off at home because I changed into yesterday. Yesterday, we brought you home. You and I were alone a lot the first week. We listened to Coldplay and I cried tears of wonder and joy to hold my first child in my arms. Even now, I can close my eyes and hear the shadowy piano of "Clocks" and "The Scientist" and feel the late September sun shining in our window and feel the warmth of you in my arms. I had not been sure that day, that tomorrow, would come. I had not known what wearing this kind of love would feel like. It fit me better than my favorite dress from my childhood. It fit your Dad better than his softest shirt. I wanted to make a slideshow of the pictures of what you wore today, but the pictures could not show that you wore today.

As I sit idle, not out of sadness but in a carpe diem kind of way, tending to your brother and sister - but not trying to get all those things done that I don't get to in a day, I think that I want to choose today from my wardrobe more often. I have told you how you taught me to be a Mommy to which you do not respond. I will say it to you again and another time, or maybe today, to your brother and sister. Today you taught your Mommy what to wear. Tomorrow I will try harder to choose wiser. Today I can't help but think of swinging you around in my arms when all I wore was love, unconditional overwhelming love. All those yesterdays ago, I did wear today but it got pushed to the back of my closet.

Today, on your first glorious day of first grade, I was the one to learn the bigger lesson because of what you wore to school. Shine on my son, my sun. Our lashes are falling into a blink and when we open our eyes so many todays will have passed. Because of you, I will make a stronger effort to breathe in each moment and wear today as much as I can. Yesterday doesn't fit anymore and tomorrow is a bit too loose. Today fits snugly and it still smells of that yesterday of unconditional love and feels soft against my skin.

Love,
Mommy-o's