L-
Today you started first grade. I was so happy and proud of you as you walked across the sidewalk. No tears shed from any of us. You didn't look over your shoulder, you didn't cling to me for a hug. I have no picture of what your eyes looked like as you went off to face the beginning of a new day in your life. My mind sees you walking away. No, you weren't doing that at all. You were walking towards something.
Today you started first grade. I was so happy and proud of you as you walked across the sidewalk. No tears shed from any of us. You didn't look over your shoulder, you didn't cling to me for a hug. I have no picture of what your eyes looked like as you went off to face the beginning of a new day in your life. My mind sees you walking away. No, you weren't doing that at all. You were walking towards something.
But then again, you don't know what is about to happen so why would you look back? You don't know that this blink which began today is not mine to own but yours. You don't know that 36 years from now you may be telling me, as I just told my own mother this week, about something you despised, something which will bring me guilt decades after the fact. I have no grudge against the thing that I did not like and hopefully neither will you. Still I will feel like I did something wrong just as my Mum felt when I told her that I didn't like riding the bus. All you know is that, well I don't know what you know or thought when I woke you for school. I'd like to think you know there are big things to learn ahead, that these educators are the keys to something new. Perhaps you just know that you are ready for something different.
Last night I washed the shirt you wanted and Daddy set out a proposed outfit after you were asleep. When you awoke, you quickly put on those clothes but that is not what you really wore to school. You didn't wear excitement. You didn't wear anxiety or fear. You wore more of a "this is what I do today" attitude. You did wear readiness for what was next, not lingering in the past. You wore today but not yesterday.
Last night I washed the shirt you wanted and Daddy set out a proposed outfit after you were asleep. When you awoke, you quickly put on those clothes but that is not what you really wore to school. You didn't wear excitement. You didn't wear anxiety or fear. You wore more of a "this is what I do today" attitude. You did wear readiness for what was next, not lingering in the past. You wore today but not yesterday.
I wore pride because you wore today. As cautious as you can be, you wore comfort to your first day in a brand new school. I don't remember looking into your eyes because we did not make that contact. I remember looking into the principal's eyes. He paced on the curb observing and helping welcome all of you. I was excited for him and the teachers and administrators and workers because they know what starts today. They don't know what today will bring, but they know it is the beginning of a new day, a new chance to educate, to enlighten, to hopefully inspire and encourage young minds. They all wore smiles and new beginnings at this brand new school. They wore hope for the world tomorrow because of what they will do today. But you my son, my sun, you simply wore today.
Your Dad and I smiled as we drove off, not because we were happy to leave these lazy days of summer, but because we liked what you chose to wear to school. We have so much more to learn from you and you from us of course. Together we drove you to school because we are learning little by little that these moments in your life, your brother's life and your sister's life are what has to supersede yesterday and tomorrow. After a year filled with sorrow, we are learning that the present is far more important to appreciate, and perhaps we were missing too much by wearing yesterday and tomorrow. We did not drive you to hover. We drove you to say thank you for being the sun we so needed to warm us during our struggles.
I have to admit that I cried about an hour after Daddy dropped me off at home because I changed into yesterday. Yesterday, we brought you home. You and I were alone a lot the first week. We listened to Coldplay and I cried tears of wonder and joy to hold my first child in my arms. Even now, I can close my eyes and hear the shadowy piano of "Clocks" and "The Scientist" and feel the late September sun shining in our window and feel the warmth of you in my arms. I had not been sure that day, that tomorrow, would come. I had not known what wearing this kind of love would feel like. It fit me better than my favorite dress from my childhood. It fit your Dad better than his softest shirt. I wanted to make a slideshow of the pictures of what you wore today, but the pictures could not show that you wore today.
I have to admit that I cried about an hour after Daddy dropped me off at home because I changed into yesterday. Yesterday, we brought you home. You and I were alone a lot the first week. We listened to Coldplay and I cried tears of wonder and joy to hold my first child in my arms. Even now, I can close my eyes and hear the shadowy piano of "Clocks" and "The Scientist" and feel the late September sun shining in our window and feel the warmth of you in my arms. I had not been sure that day, that tomorrow, would come. I had not known what wearing this kind of love would feel like. It fit me better than my favorite dress from my childhood. It fit your Dad better than his softest shirt. I wanted to make a slideshow of the pictures of what you wore today, but the pictures could not show that you wore today.
As I sit idle, not out of sadness but in a carpe diem kind of way, tending to your brother and sister - but not trying to get all those things done that I don't get to in a day, I think that I want to choose today from my wardrobe more often. I have told you how you taught me to be a Mommy to which you do not respond. I will say it to you again and another time, or maybe today, to your brother and sister. Today you taught your Mommy what to wear. Tomorrow I will try harder to choose wiser. Today I can't help but think of swinging you around in my arms when all I wore was love, unconditional overwhelming love. All those yesterdays ago, I did wear today but it got pushed to the back of my closet.
Today, on your first glorious day of first grade, I was the one to learn the bigger lesson because of what you wore to school. Shine on my son, my sun. Our lashes are falling into a blink and when we open our eyes so many todays will have passed. Because of you, I will make a stronger effort to breathe in each moment and wear today as much as I can. Yesterday doesn't fit anymore and tomorrow is a bit too loose. Today fits snugly and it still smells of that yesterday of unconditional love and feels soft against my skin.
Love,
Mommy-o's
Today, on your first glorious day of first grade, I was the one to learn the bigger lesson because of what you wore to school. Shine on my son, my sun. Our lashes are falling into a blink and when we open our eyes so many todays will have passed. Because of you, I will make a stronger effort to breathe in each moment and wear today as much as I can. Yesterday doesn't fit anymore and tomorrow is a bit too loose. Today fits snugly and it still smells of that yesterday of unconditional love and feels soft against my skin.
Love,
Mommy-o's
